Telephone Answering Machines

Here are the best telephone answering sequences we can find:

  • London Bridge Fertility Centre - "It might be just a drop to you, but it's an ocean to us!"
  • Ying Tong Ying Tong Chinese Ironworks - "You won't find a dink in our armour!"
  • Filch, Fumble and Fraud Solicitors - "Others sue: we'll stitch 'em up!"
  • St. Nicholas' Monastic Order - "The world is our cloister!"
  • Freuds Friends & Psychiatrists - "Where 2 in 1 people are schizophrenic!"
  • Tower Hill Termination Service - "No foetus can beat us!"
  • Crewe Crematorium - "you kill 'em, we grill 'em!"
  • Yeovil Mortuary Services - "you kill 'em, we chill 'em!"
  • Mandelson Newton Secondary Modern - "Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam." (I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling a huge rock at your head!)

One really good answering machine message is at the psychiatric hotline:

  • If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
  • If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
  • If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
  • If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
  • If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.
  • If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
  • If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
  • If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  • If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  • If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  • If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
  • If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
  • If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.

Another one is for a school:

  • To lie about your childs recent absence or to make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 1
  • To allow us to pyschologically damage your childs potential - Press 3
  • To allow us to discipline your child using capital punishment - Press 4
  • To allow us to discipline your child using corporal punishment - Press 5
  • If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6
  • To accept that your child fabricated abuse by a teacher who is a veteran of hostage negotiations and should beatified for coping with that year group - Press 7
  • To apply for genetic tests because your child looks like Damien - Press 8
  • To inform us to ignore the bruises on your child - Press 9